I've been awake for OVER 24 hours straight. I went to bed as usual but between my coughing fits (I caught Kate's cold) and restlessness, I gave up at 3am. Lucy came out at 3:30 for the bathroom and Kate followed at 4:30 and never went back to sleep. Both were up and out of their rooms by 5:15am.
I told them yesterday that I would be going back to Houston on Wednesday. My one year post-radiation MRI is on Thursday morning. I get the results on Friday. I went out with a couple of friends a few months ago and they asked me how I was feeling about having cancer that has no particular end in sight, just years of MRIs stretching before me. I really didn't know what to say. I think I've managed to "organize" my way out of feeling anything about it. As soon as I got the diagnosis I went into project manager mode and never looked back. I've yet to shed a tear.
I have recurring insomnia. I've put on 10 lbs without changing my eating or activity level. My attention span and memory are minuscule. I'm irritable about things that never used to bother me. All of which could be chalked up to being post-menopausal (thank you again Mr. Radiation).
I told my therapist that I have been calling it Cancer Light. Because really, it doesn't have the same clout as say, breast cancer or lymphoma. It shouldn't kill me. So I don't feel I have the same right (perhaps) to complain or dwell on it. I feel like I should just move on. So that's what I've done.
How's that working out for me?
Not as well as I had hoped.