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Monday, June 1, 2015

Heart Letter, Month 66

Dear Lucy,

You are 66 months old today.
This has been a topsy-turvy month, both in the weather and in your moods. You seem to be a lot touchier and easy to offend this month. Sometimes the withering looks you give me when I ask you to do something give me previews of you as a teenager (and flashbacks of myself!). I'm not sure if it's worry about your impending surgery or the fact that school is almost out or just a growth spurt but you are hard to be around these days. You are perfecting the art of muttering under your breath about your grievances (and they are aplenty!) and stomping off to your room to sulk.

In order to keep these moods at bay, I try to keep you active outside. As mentioned, the weather has been rather uncooperative this month, with highs sporadically hitting the 70s-80s and just as quickly plunging us back into the 40s with copious amounts of rain sprinkled in for good measure, which explains the variety of attire in these next few photos.



You are always thrilled when we get to see old friends that don't go to school with you so I try very hard to maintain those connections for both you and Kate. Zadie came over to play one afternoon and later in the month, we spent an afternoon at her house.

Art projects still have the capacity to keep you engaged and happy...most of the time. What was once my go-to project for at least 30 minutes of focused activity went off the rails this month. We worked on painting a letter L for your room. You started out painting inside the lines of the design you had drawn on the letter...

After less than 5 minutes, something in you snapped and you decided that you could no longer abide keeping to the lines, or to any sort of design at all. You were, quite simply, D.O.N.E. DONE. You scrabbled all the paint together and said, "OK, I'm done! What else can we do?"

You seem to hide behind being the clown in these situations and you're not noticing that you are the only one who is finding the humor in it. Kate and I both wanted to keep painting but you didn't so you took the paint plate and mashed all the colors together, becoming wildly and somewhat inappropriately hysterical about the whole thing.

It reminds me a lot of your behavior when we first brought you home. You don't want to do what we're doing but you also don't want to do anything by yourself so you do your best to destroy whatever activity we were all engaged in. You usually revert back to a younger age when you are stressed (you will notice as you grow up that most everyone does this at some time or other--mommy temper tantrums come to mind immediately) so I hope that whatever is bothering you will someday be allowed words. You can't seem to find any as of yet.
I do think, though, that you are just going through another growth stage and perhaps mourning the end of another school year. You LOVE school and you seemed to have hit another milestone this month in your reading and writing.

You came home with a first reader book and read the entire book to us at storytime.
You decided that you wanted a penpal since Kate has one so you chose Lucy D. and set about writing her a letter.

Dear Lucy D, Will my pen pal? I hope you have good weekend. Please write back soon. Love, Lucy X.

Notice the prominence that Bella holds in the picture you drew for Lucy D? Yeah, she holds a special place in your heart. You love to feed her breakfast and supper, brush her or just sit next to her, enjoying her purring.
I think the feelings are mutual as Bella seeks you out as well.
Whatever the cause of your tempers this month, know that daddy and I will always be there for you. No longer do you need to manage on your own, reverting to old coping mechanisms to weather the impending storms. I know (as do you) that your first two cleft surgeries were in China, without a mommy or daddy to hold your hand. And I know that somewhere in your memories, whether you can access them outright or not, you are experiencing again those feelings of helplessness and fear. I cannot do anything to change what you have been through but I can change now. I can be with you before, during and after. I can answer your questions, listen to your fears or just hold you so you can rest. I will never leave you.
Love,
Mama

1 comment:

Heather H. said...

Hugs to baby girl and mama.

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